MIKE'D UP REPORT CARD

It has now been about three months since the end of the Mike and the Mad Dog radio program...a few months since Francesa and Russo split and went their own ways. Since the holiday season is upon us - a season for giving - I have decided to give my Mike'd Up Report Card. Here goes:

SHOW NAME - GRADE: D

After Dog bolted from FAN studios, Mike made it clear that the Mike and the Mad Dog name would be retired. Just like the surviving members of the Grateful Dead can never tour again using that name, Francesa realized he too would have to rebrand himself. So what did he do? He reached into his NBC handbag and grabbed the name from his Sunday night show "Mike'd Up." This did not happen instantly. If you recall, there were "teams" of lawyers involved. Eventually, the big man got his way. But the problem is that Mike has consistently called the show "Mike'd Up, Francesa on the Fan." Mike, which is it? Mike'd Up or Francesa on the Fan? It can't be both. That's too long and clunky. Much like your questions to guests. But anyway, thank God the lawyers were able to come to an agreement on the use of the title "Mike'd Up." Because it has made all the difference in the world. Or not. You decide.

JINGLE - GRADE: F

After Mike embarked on his new show, much like President-Elect Obama, Francesa promised change. And that change started with a new jingle. No longer would listeners hear "They're talking sports going at it as hard as they can..." A new jingle would be gracing Mike'd Up. This was big news. This was exciting. Could this new jingle possibly rival the old one? Would I find myself humming it to my wife on Sunday afternoons? At first, Mike reported on the progress of the jingle on a daily basis. But then days turned to weeks and weeks turned to months. There were lots of excuses. The jingle company is out West, so it takes longer to get stuff from them. The company is on vacation. Okay, maybe the company is not so good. Okay, maybe we are willing to take jingles that callers create at home. But not some crap that you record on your I-phone. These need to be professionally recorded. Then there were days where Mike would play a few contenders on the air. They were awful, but he seemed to like one or two. Then the jingle talk died, just as quickly as the Jets hopes of a Francesa-guaranteed 2 seed in the AFC. So here we are. No new jingle.

CO-HOSTS - Grade: F

With the new show Mike'd Up, Francesa promised that there would be some new blood in the studio with him. While he initially said he would never again have a co-host, he did say he would put together a few sort of revolving regular guests. He even opened the process up to the Fans, holding auditions at the debacle of a show that was known as the Bar A Disaster. Mike tried out several different people that summer day. They were mostly terrible. Mike's experiment failed miserably. So what did Mike do next? He just pretended that the Bar A auditions never happened. He never spoke of them again. Instead, he moved on to bigger targets. At least, that's what he hinted at for weeks and then months. There were BIG discussions going on. These were COMPLICATED folks. Just give us some time. It takes time to work these things out. We gave you time Mike. And instead of rewarding us, you tortured us with shows featuring Kim Jones, Chris Carlin, Evan Roberts, Joe Benigno and any other Daily News or Post writer you could assemble. This was not what you promised. This was not revolutionary. Now, almost three months later, you told us yesterday that were will be 2 weeks of Legends shows coming up, where legendary New York sports figures will be co-hosting with you. Mike, that's a nice gimmick, but it doesn't solve the issue that you cannot exist doing this show solo. You need another voice in that studio with you on a daily basis. Not for 2 weeks. And not another WFAN staffer. You promised fresh blood. You promised something new. You have not come through in a big spot.

HANDWAVE - Grade: A

Despite every aspect of his show falling to pieces, the one staple that has remained and appears stronger than ever is Mike's dismissive handwave to dump a caller from the line. It's almost as if, in a post Dog world, that this handwave has become more ferocious than it ever was. It's even got to the point where Mike has discussed the handwave on air with a caller. The handwave, in many ways has become the last line of defense for Francesa.

HOST/OVERALL SHOW GRADE: D -

Since Dog went packing to Satellite radio, Mike Francesa has promised a lot. A new jingle. A new format. A new set of co-hosts. A completely new show - one that would make loyal listeners forget one Christopher "Mad Dog" Russo. He has delivered on none of these promises. Instead, he has bemoaned the lack of positive media coverage he received after the break-up, continued to come to work unprepared, launched a war with one of his old-time callers Mike from Montclair, and bored the rest of the audience to death on a daily basis. Perhaps the most alarming aspect of this post Mike and the Mad Dog world is that Francesa seems somewhat oblivious to all of this. He continues to exist in his cocoon of arrogance. He talks and boasts of number 1 ranked shows. He continues to fancy himself as the one and only authoritative voice on sports. He still considers himself the General Manager/Coach of all New York sports teams. To quote my good friend, Colonel Nathan Jessep "You can't handle the truth!" There is no getting around this - Mike'd Up, Francesa on the Fan has failed miserably in its first term. Hell, if it wasn't for the handwave, I would have given the show an "F."

I'M BACK...

...And I'm gone again.

I haven't listened to Mike's show in awhile. Probably 3-4 weeks. But I was intrigued to tune into this afternoon's show. All sorts of good sports headlines...Plax flexing a glock, High Noon for Starbury, the Jets sh*t their Super Bowl bed, BCShenanigans, etc.

So I was encouraged when Mike showed up today as our moral conscience. He told us that what Plax did is wrong(no duh) and his career might be over(uh, Mike. He didn't string up any dogs by their hindquarters.) I love how he brings in Sean Taylor into the discussion even though there is no logical reason to. Taylor was killed in a home invasion. He didn’t have a gun. If he did have a gun, he might still be alive. Plax was showing his heat to a couple of hardbodies at the Limelight and clipped his leg accidentally. Not sure how they’re related but it was nice to see Mike not care about any tangents. He just saw these words 'Black athletes and guns' and it's time for him to spout his cliche stereotypes. (by the way, do we have the club that Burress, Bradshaw and Pierce like to walk heavy into yet? Was it Pastis in the Meatpacking district?)

But then, he starts to show the cracks again. At the end of the first segment, he doesn't even mention the Marbury situation with the Knicks. I mean this is a 'he said, she said' situation with one of the major sports franchises in the city. It's pretty easy talk show fodder. Not even a mention. Then in the next segment, he talks about his sick kid show, which is fine. But then he 'teases' us again with some 'legend' shows. These will be shows where legendary athletes('These are big names people') will sit in with him for a show. He lets us know that most of them will be from yesteryear.

I couldn't believe it. Doesn't this guy get it? Is this like the movie The Producers where he is trying to ruin the show. This new legends theme is his Springtime for Hitler. Mike! Why are you trying to skew older? Those people aren't going to get you more ratings. Wait a while before you do Ed Randall's show. Jiminy Christmas. Try to stay relevant.

Anyway, the point of this post is that I took a leave of absence from the show because it stunk. I came back for a day because there were some good things to talk about. And already, I find out that this is my older brother's show. It goes on the Stinks List.

WHAT MIKE SAYS GOES

A short while ago, a caller complained to Mike about the end to the Redskins/Seattle game this past week and about the play calling by Skins coach Jim Zorn. The caller pointed out that Seattle had no timeouts left, thus Washington should have just kneeled down, which would have avoided them fumbling, which happened. Mike and the caller disagreed about how many timeouts Seattle had left:

Mike: I was doing the math...

Caller: No, that’s not right.

Mike: They had the timeout (Seattle had one left).

Caller: No, they didn’t!

Mike: Yeah, they had one.

Caller: Seattle had NO timeouts left!

Mike: They had one. I’m telling you Stash, they had one.

Caller: I’ll bet you anything they had ZERO timeouts.

Mike: I’m telling you they had one (left).

Caller: NO they did NOT. Mike, I’m telling you I watched the game closer than anyone.

Mike: I’m telling you they had one. I went and looked.

Caller: They didn’t have one Mike.

Mike: They had one.

Caller: 100% they did NOT have one. With a minute and 40 seconds, he could have ran...(mike interrupts)

Mike: Stash, he could have taken a knee then if he didn’t have any. He wouldn’t have had to run the play.

Caller: He ran a play like an idiot.

Mike: No. No. No. I disagree with you. I think he ran the play because he had one (seattle timeout left). And I did the math because I was watching the game.

After this exchange, there was a commercial break. Now I knew if Mike was right, that he would start off the following segment scolding the caller for being wrong. However, Mike made no mention of the timeout fiasco. So I decided to check myself and it appears that...wait for it...Mike was wrong and the caller was right. Here's a link to the play-by-play (http://scores.espn.go.com/nfl/playbyplay?gameId=281123026&period=4), which shows that Seattle called their final timeout with 1:39 left. The following play, Washington fumbled on a running play...the play Mike said they had to run because Seattle still had a timeout left. What time should we expect the apology from Mikey?

MIKE'S F, MARRY, KILL LIST

Mike opened the show pretty much previewing the Giants/Jets Super Bowl that we are all in store for. But then he talked a little about his favorite NFL player...Peyton Manning:

"The Colts now seem to be headed in the right direction because of the brilliance of Peyton Manning, who was brilliant last night. Brilliant. That 4th down play he made on the goal line - Hall of Fame. The 4th and inches play he made - Hall of Fame. I mean, utter brilliance."

Peyton is one of those athletes that Mike Francesa loves. If he could divorce Roe and marry Peyton, that would suit him just fine. That brings me to the "Mike Francesa F, Marry, Kill" Game. Those who were longtime listeners of Howard Stern know this game. Essentially, pick one person that you think Francesa would love to "F_ _ _" (trying to keep things clean here)...one person he would love to "Marry" and one person he would love to "Kill." Here's my list:

Despite his utter praise for Peyton today, I would say that Mike would "F" Manny Ramirez. It's probably a tough call between Manny, Peyton and Tim Duncan. But I think the allure of the dreadlocks would sway Mike to Manny.

I have no doubt that Mikey would Marry Bill Parcells. That's a no-brainer.

And lastly, Mike would Kill Bill Belichick. On Death Row would be Greg Schiano.

So who makes your "Francesa F-Marry-Kill" List?

THE KNICKS MADE A TRADE, MIKE IS ON AN NFL TIRADE

ESPN.com just reported, which means they took credit for something someone else had reported before them that the Knicks have traded Jamal Crawford for Al Harrington and there is the possiblity that Zach Randolph is also getting moved which if it happened would be a HUGE deal for the New York Knicks. It would get them remarkably close to being under the salary cap for 2010 when there are top flight free agents like a guy named Lebron James.

For me, a guy who is a New York fan, a New York Knicks fan, this is a big deal. This is the kind of move that will help wash away the Isiah Thomas years, and when i say wash away, i mean like how you would wash down being fired and out of a job and sent to Europe to scout no one with a bottle of sleeping pills and then try to put it off on your daughter kind of wash it away. This deal, especially if Randolph is included, would get the Knicks over a big contract hurdle.

I was excited. I was pumped. The Knicks are making solid moves. Donnie Walsh doesn't appear to be a liar, he is following up on what he has said. The team isn't trying to be good now. That's terrific! I tuned in to Channel 53, wanting to get an update on the rumors, wanting to hear what else Mike had to say, maybe he has an NBA writer in the know on the line, maybe that guy that co-hosted for one day but didn't speak at all but who writes NBA stuff.. maybe him. Anyone.. I tune in, i'm psyched, i'm putting the fact that watching Mike hurts my insides and that he stills doesn't have a jingle, a partner or a good show. I am putting all that aside... the Knicks are doing good things.. TALK TO ME MIKEY.. TALK TO ME...

Channel 53 blazes up on my tv screen and i hear.. N.. and then it's followed by F and then followed by L and all hope is lost...

Mike is talking about the NFL game last night that was played I believe between the Steelers and the Bengals. They are not New York teams. They are not the teams in the deal with the Knicks. THEY PLAY IN THE NFL! COME ON, give me a break. So the games are fixed, who cares. The refs are all being paid. Ok. Super. There is a NEW YORK STORY going on. One that affects one of the prominent NEW YORK teams. TALK ABOUT IT!

At 1:48, Mike is opening his mail, reads a brief piece of mail and then makes a passing statement about the trade and that's it. COME ON!

Mike here ya go, here's a jingle for today...
"We are New York and we love basketball, we're gonna take it all, we are the NEW YORK Knicks."

How about this one
"Go New York Go" (that's used for the Knicks too)

TALK ABOUT NEW YORK. TALK ABOUT THE KNICKS. I get it, the NFL is king, but it's the only thing you discuss all week. Here's an actual New York story. You can go all CSI and solve the NFL gambling scandal like you did with Sean Taylor later on...

TALK ABOUT THE KNICKS!

(by the way, if Chris Russo still had a radio show he would certainly be talking about the Knicks)

WHOSE PORN WAS IT?: WEDNESDAY SHOW OPEN

I sat down wondering how Mike would begin the show today. There really isn't much happening. The "opening salvo" hasn't been tossed out in the free agent world, football is a few days away. What would Mike begin with? Of course, a screensaver.

Mike began the show with yelling at Eddie Erickson to come into the studio because someone had left a screensaver with a naked woman on it. Mike's show is broadcast throughout the country, throughout the world, perhaps to the astronauts in space right now, they cannot see this filth. THEY CANNOT. Mike claimed not to know who put this screensaver on the computer but I say we take a guess.

Here are the options
Joe B: he is the favorite to me
Evan: doesn't feel right
Minko: could it be a passive aggressive "salvo" against Mike?
Carton and Boomer: a very strong option
Christopher Russo: could he perhaps sneak into the studios of WFAN at 4am and put this on Mike's computer? It is not likely since Russo does not know how to use a computer and his idea of a hot girl would be a Tim Lincecum life size poster.

Who could it be?

(a side note, Mike needs to be aware that we can find out all sorts of stuff on the internet. He talks about how none of us really know what other teams are thinking, but that's not really true. Go to www.mlbtraderumors.com and you can see plenty of what is being talked about. The information is everywhere, it's not hard to find. It's actually amazing how little Mike and also Chris have embraced the internet as a source for information. Wouldn't that be helpful?)

BATTLE OF THE MIKES: Round 3

For those that missed this early in the program, Mike from Montclair went toe-to-toe with Mike Francesa yet again. Here was the call: